I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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