You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
