Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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