Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I want a musical about memes.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
