so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize