Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Barsexuality is the new black.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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