You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize