i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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