Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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