the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
