so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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