if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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