3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
