I'm gonna have a badass scar
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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