I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
