ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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