my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
