walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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