dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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