TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
