i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
