there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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