Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
