woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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