She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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