Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
