i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
