I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
