Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
