Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
