Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
They took my balls.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
