Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
