i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize