i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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