when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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