I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
