She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
