dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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