so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
