So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
