yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
