i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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