We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
