I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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