how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
