I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
