We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
