I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
