Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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