Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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