yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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