I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
