I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
