I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
