I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
