I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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