I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
