Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
