Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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