I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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