Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
