I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
