she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
