dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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