Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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